Hi, Sallie Mae? The Next Call You Get Will Be a Letter To Your Corporate Counsel

dial...dial....dial
SM: Sallie Mae, may I have the account number you are calling regarding?
DB: Don't know it.
SM: May I have your social-security number?
DB: No.
SM: I would need your social-security number to pull up your account, sir.
DB: I don't have an account with you, therefore you don't need it.
SM: How can I help you?
DB: You can make your dumb-ass system stop calling me about student loans I've never had nor have I co-signed for.
SM: What is your name?
DB: Derek Balling
SM: And what number are they dialing you at?
DB: nnn.nnn.nnnn [my home number]
SM: One second, sir clickety click Am I speaking with David Ghent?
DB: Errr, no, just 20 seconds ago I told you my name.
SM: So you're David's co-signer?
DB: No. I've never even heard of him other than from the myriad collections calls I get every week.
SM: Ah, so Mr. Ghent does not live at this number?
DB: That's correct.
SM: Clickety-click OK, I've removed your number from the record I'm sorry to have bothered you. Have a nice day, blah blah blah

Yesterday....

*RING*
DB: Hello?
Automated System: This is Sallie Mae! It is vital that you call us regarding a student loan you are the co-signer for at xxx.xxx.xxxx. Again that number is xxx.xxx.xxxx (click)
DB: Grrrr
dial...dial....dial
SM: Sallie Mae, may I have the account number you are calling regarding?
DB: Don't know it.
SM: May I have your social-security number?
DB: No.
SM: I would need your social-security number to pull up your account, sir.
DB: I don't have an account with you, therefore you don't need it.
SM: Then why are you calling today sir?
DB: To make your computer stop calling my house every darned day.
SM: Pardon?
DB: My number is nnn.nnn.nnnn. I called yesterday regarding the fact that you keep calling me about a student loan in the name of Mr. David Ghent, and they promised to make it stop and it hasn't.
SM: Are you Mr. Ghent?
DB: Ummmm, duh. No. That is, of course, the problem.
SM: What was your phone number again?
DB: nnn.nnn.nnnn
SM: One sec... ah yes, I see that. Let me remove that from Mr. Ghent's account.... clickety-click OK, you should stop getting calls now about it. Sorry for the inconvenience.
DB: That's what I heard yesterday, so I'm not holding my breath.
click

Today....
*RING*
DB: Hello?
Automated System: This is Sallie Mae! It is vital that you call us regarding a student loan you are the co-signer for at xxx.xxx.xxxx. Again that number is xxx.xxx.xxxx (click)
DB: Motherfuckers! ARGH!
dial...dial....dial
SM: Sallie Mae, may I have the account number you are calling regarding?
DB: No, you will transfer me to a supervisor, and do so immediately.
SM: What is this regarding?
DB: Your company's incompetent inability to stop calling me about an account that is not mine.
SM: May I place you on hold?
DB: Certainly.
.... hold music ....
SM: Sir? There are no supervisors available at the moment. I was told by a neighbor, though, that it probably was a call originating from a paper report, which was made prior to your calling in to have the number removed.
DB: This wasn't based on a paper report, unless you're printing out reports and then scanning them back into the computer. This was an automated outbound dialing apparatus which called, left a message, and hung up, nothing more.
SM: I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what to say.
DB: Then may I please have the name, address and telephone number of Sallie Mae corporate counsel?
SM: Excuse me, sir?
DB: Your company is using an automated program using a pre-recorded voice to contact me with no human on the line, and no prior consent. This is a violation of the TCPA, and subjects Sallie Mae to near-instant fines with me as the recipient of such penalties. So, if the customer service department can't make it stop, I'll bet a good Silver Dollar that your corporate counsel will make it stop pretty damned quick.
SM: One second please, sir... may I place you on hold?
DB: Why, sure.
... hold music ...
SM: One second, sir, I have Lee Ann on the line, who is a supervisor and will assist you further.
DB: Thank you.
... hold music ...
LA: Sir? I understand we're calling you at a number that you've asked us to remove, because you're not the borrower in question?
DB: That would be correct.
LA: Well, sir, it can take up to 72 hours to remove your number from our database.
DB: Better not.
LA: Pardon?
DB: As I explained to your representative, you do not have prior permission from the number-holder, me, to call this number using an automated device to deliver a pre-recorded message. In the event of another call from your system, my next call will not be to your customer service line but to my attorney, and his next call will probably be to Sallie Mae corporate counsel asking them if they'd rather just send me the $500 check for the TCPA violation, or if they really want to fight really hard in court and then send me a $500 check. Personally, I like checks, so I'm kinda hoping your system is still broken tomorrow, same bat-time, same bat-channel.
LA: I'll do what I can, sir.
DB: Fine by me. Cheers.
click